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Coffee Quip - May 2008

Urban Alaska Coffee Legends

May 29th 2008 03:09
Hey, hello all. I'm gonna set here and sip my morning hot choco-latte and tell you a couple of Alaskan tales about coffee, y'know, urban legend stuff. Most of my prep work is done, the coffee cakes have a couple more minutes to bake, so, I've got time.

Coffee makes men sterile: this is a noble n worthy concern to all men. This particularly scary story originated up around TOK Junction, that’s in Alaska you know, and as the name implies, these folks may not always be in their right and proper state of mind, but aside from their odd habit of parading naked between the singular Baptist Church in town and the local bar/brothel/pizza parlor they are all as normal as hell. While the tale borderlines on the incredulous side, there was this incident when old single shot Charlie had a large mug of the boiling nectar unceremoniously poured onto his lap and nether region; it turns out he’d been visiting Ms Tok’s junction a time to many for his new lady working in the pizza parlor. Frontier justice and a hot Raven’s brew stewed him for life, he’s vowed to stick with herbals from now on. Sorta true.
~ ~ ~
Acid laced coffee tracked down to Skinny Dick’s Halfway Inn: you’d think that Tim Leary was serving coffee at Skinny Dick’s Halfway Inn on the Parks Hwy to Anchorage, but it ain’t so, although their herbal teas will leave you napping for a time and munching your brains out when you awaken, rest assured its 100% natural organic hybrid herb, not some unnatural chemical based potpourri. There is caffeine, quinic acid, malic acid, lactic acid, pyruvic acid and acetic acid in the coffee, but no LSD; oh there is that bothersome trace of nicotine from the carton of smokes Della hid in the water cistern and forgot about, but that can’t be any worse than the skunk cabbage salad she made the other day because she didn’t feel like going to town for fresh salad greens. Sorta true.
~ ~ ~
Soapy Smitt of Juneau (not the Skagway Smith) wins improper warning label liable suit against Star Bucks: This odd tale started circulating when Soapy sued Star for not properly installing the warning labels on the boat she was offering as part of her wedding dowry. It seems that prior to the wedding, when Soapy pointed the boat south towards his favorite halibut hole and put it into automatic cruise control n left the skippers chair for a few minutes to brew a pot of coffee and smoke something in his pipe, there was an incident the likes of which is still sparking debates. It seems that some amorous humpback was cruising nearby and heard the noise from the coffee maker or auto controls and mistook the sound for a favorable response from an oddly shaped whale beast nearby and raced to, ah . . . uh, service her needs. Well, that damned whale slammed into the boat doing about 5 knots, he was stirred up at the time, and the blow knocked the coffee pot across the cabin and hit soapy about groin high, in excruciating pain Soapy danced over to the controls to try and steer away from what he thought was an unseen rock below him, the controls were locked in auto cruise. Excited, that whale banged into the boat several more time before he finally came to his remaining un-inflamed senses and departed. This left Soapy and the boat adrift. Yup, Soapy was stranded for several days treating his burns with the only ointment he had on board, industrial strength Tiger Balm and was a very unhappy camper when located. So, after his rescue, Soapy called off the wedding, returned the boat dowry and sued Star Bucks for negligence: his uncle Judge Smitt awarded him $500 for medical expenses and $1,000,000 for personal injury. Star was self cloistered the next day in TOK Junction somewhere near the pizza parlor awaiting the results of her appeal filed by her new attorney Star Buck, a cousin we think. Sorta not true.

Happily, these shorts are fiction or urban legends and will never make it to the “Stella Awards” (The Stella’s are named after Stella Liebeck, who successfully sued McDonald’s for coffee that was “too hot”. The Stella’s are awarded to outrageous lawsuits, both successful and under appeal which challenge the morality and/or sanity of common sense and decency).

Well, there you are friends, coffee legends from Alaska. Can ya top them?

Raven

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Posted By: tlcorbin - Category: The Rumor Mill
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6 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by Damo

May 29th 2008 09:00


For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Too much coffee. where is the warning signs?

Comment by Market Newbie

May 29th 2008 10:57


Stock Market Punk
I don't think I can top any of those stories Raven, but I can share a picture of one of those guys said to be responsible for producing the world's most expensive coffee. They call it Civet Coffee in the Western world, Kopi Lowak in Indonesia and Kape Alamid here in the Philippines.
Alamid
One of the guys that produce worlds most expensive coffee
I've taken this picture in a resort in the northern most part of the island of Cebu, Philippines sometime last year.

Not sure if you have already discussed Kopi Lowak here, but there are claims that said coffee cost anywhere between US$160 to US$600 per pound. The coffee beans are said to be first eaten by the Asian Palm Civet (Paradoxurus hermaphroditus) locally known as Alamid and then excreted. The excrements are then picked up by the locals and then turned into what is known as the world's most expensive coffee. Neat eh?

Comment by tlcorbin

May 29th 2008 15:28


Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Does this work Damo?

Warning:
To Much Coffee May Cause Something


Comment by tlcorbin

May 29th 2008 15:43


Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Howdy Market Newbie, so those darn Pinoy's are encroaching on the Kopi Luwak market eh????

The Wankers. I was going to try teaching my cat to munch down coffee berries for processing an Alaskan version of Kopi Luwak but I can't get him to touch anything that wasn't dipped in seal oil. Sigh, my neighbor has a glacier bear, I'll try having it process the beans: Glacier Luwak has a nice ring to it don't you think?

In New York, during the height of the Kopi Luwak frenzy, a single cup of the nectar could seperate you from $50 USD.

Love the cool photo.

Raven

Comment by Krystal

June 3rd 2008 05:29


feelings
How disgraceful, but I like the eye, but skinny dick sounds a bit incompetent don't you think?

Tell me another story my good friend, that way I'll be sure to get a good night's sleep.

I sometimes wonder if you make up these stories, could you?

Comment by tlcorbin

June 3rd 2008 21:17


Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
No way Krystal, I was walking down the path to my outdoor privy and along the way, I passed a berry bush and there it was, in all of it radiant beauty, this post hanging on a tree limb ready for uploading.

hahaha, Of course I created this stuff, the top two are based upon some facts and all contain some truths; lies never work without a element of truth tossed in for good measure.

Raven

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